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I Am Sad

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I don’t know why, really. I am just sad right now. Maybe it is because I am not pregnant yet? Maybe it is because we have been trying to become pregnant for 2 years now? Maybe it is because a friend of mine is pregnant for the SECOND time, and in that time I have been trying to get pregnant too, unsuccessfully? Maybe it is because I DID get pregnant in that 2 years, only to lose that baby in January..

Maybe it is just EVERY ONE of those damn things..

Please, if you can hear me God, please help me to become pregnant once again. I promise to be as good of a mommy as I am to my sweet blessings now, as I would be to my third baby. I promise that I will not complain when pregnant, only embrace it with all its wonderful growing glory. I promise to eat right and drink as much water as my growing baby and me will need. I promise to love that sweet baby and give that baby sooooooooo many sweet mama kisses and ALWAYS believe in him/her.

Please God? Believe in me God, I can do it once again. I have done it twice (almost lost my daughter..), and in the process lost 3 sweet babies along the way, but God, I CAN do it, I PROMISE…

xoxo,

Kim

About Kim Delatorre

Kim Delatorre is a mommy to three beautiful, smart little kids and wife to an amazing husband of 24 years! She enjoys reading, writing, spending time with her family and blogging.

Comments

  2. sonia garcia says

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I was trying to conceive for two years too. I would hear a lot of comments that once you stop thinking about it –it will happen. I considered adoption. I had given up. When a dear family member of mine fell ill. I was so busy worrying about him that I forgot to concentrate on having a baby. And then I became pregnant. This happened to several of my friends but sadly I heard a lot more miscarriages had happened to my friends. They didn’t really talk about it until I became pregnant. Everybody was just coming up and sharing their story. Most of them lost their baby at the first trimester and one of the after being pregnant for five months. I’m sure you will have a baby sooner or later.

  3. Donna D says

    I pray that God will comfort you and bring you peace.
    Im a grandmother to as of last night 12 living grandchildren and one that’s passed on. I thought I’d write and let you know that I may not know just how you feel. how much pain you carry, but I lost a grandson, he was with us for almost a month, and in the time I loved him so much, his smile so sweet, his touch so soft and tender… and then he was gone… it brings tears to my eyes to set here and type this, I walked on a hill behind my house alone and screamed and cried and talked with God for days & days, I couldn’t understand why he gave him to us, and then took him away. My daughter came over to let a visit with him one day, and the next he was gone. I still don’t understand why.. there was nothing wrong with him. He was so beautiful… so sweet & so loved. I may not know your pain, but I carry a lot for the loss of this sweet child. in a zillion years I would never understand why He would bless us(my daughter) with such a wonderful gift, something so loved by all of us and then take it from us… we never even got to say goodby…anyways.. He took a chunk of my heart that day, and I feel the pain of his loss everyday.
    Now about wanting a child.. my daughter-in-law had a baby yesterday!!! a sweet baby boy!
    the thing is, she too wanted a child for years.. she wanted so much to have a baby.. they went to doctors for help, they tried everything.. She’s in her 30’s now and I think they pretty much just gave up and adopted a child..
    Now.. years later it happend, she did become pregnant, and he was born last night.
    So honey don’t give up.. Miracles do Happen

  4. sarah says

    Kim, I will pray for you. Thank you show much for sharing. Getting pregnant has not been as easy for me as we had hoped it would be either. Honestly, my journey has been nothing compared to yours and I do not intend to compare at all because losses cannot be compared. I guess I’d only like to share what I feel sometimes as a way of letting you know that I, too, am there for you.

    I have the BRCA2 genetic mutation, which has caused many of the women in my family to get breast/ovarian cancer. My mom had an extremely tough battle with breast cancer but thanks be to God, she is healthy today. I am so happy about that. Based on my genetic mutation, my oncologists have recommended that I have my ovaries out within the next 5 or so years. It’s not mandatory, but in my heart, I know that I need to get it and I know the sooner the better because it will reduce my risk and the longer that I wait the higher the chances of cancer are.

    I’ve wanted 3 kids for the longest time. So some of the stress I carry in the back of my mind I think is because I feel like I need to have kids and I need to have them NOW. Of course I want them now too but it’s frustrating in more ways than one to keep seeing “negative”s. I had 3 friends become pregnant this month alone and sometimes I wonder “why is it so easy for everyone?”

    Anyway, like I said, that is absolutely nothing compared to what you’ve gone through and I pray that God will bless you more than you could ever imagine and that His peace would be with you.

    Matthew 5:3 Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.

  6. Mandi says

    I love your honesty and prayer to God. I don’t know what it is like to lose a child. I don’t even know how to comfort someone who has. I can’t imagine the pain or sadness. I almost lost my baby girl and I’m still recovering emotionally from it. I thank God every day for her. I know she could have easily went home to God. I hope you find healing in your loss. Prayers and hugs!

  7. meredith c says

    sooo sorry! god has a plan for all of us! u seen like a great mother, best of luck!

  8. ElizaBeth says

    I’m so sorry for your heartache. I do know that your babies are in the arms of a loving God, as are some of mine. Its one of the things I just do not understand, but I know that there is a purpose to all things, even painful losses and empty longings. I pray that God will comfort you and bring you peace. I also ask that God will fulfill your request. He is a faithful, loving God who knows our hearts and what is best for us (even when we do not). I trust that He loves you and will always give you His best. in His Love, ElizaBeth

  10. Kim says

    Thank you everyone, for your sweet, heartfelt comments. I really needed them today!!!

  12. Tess says

    I know its hard and I know just b/c you have kids doesnt make it any easier. Our hearts desire babies.
    Hang in there. The only thing that helped me was knowing that I wasnt alone in that department. To just tell you my experience- I had 5 recurrent miscarriages- yepp all in a row and then -just like you-could not give up and now have 2 babies. It can happen. Keep trying.

  13. Krista (Monkeygirl Savings) says

    I am so sorry you have had problems getting pregnant. It’s devastating when you want a baby more than anything and you can’t get pregnant. While people around you have no problem getting pregnant –seems like they especially do if they weren’t even trying.

    Miscarriages are such a loss. Lots of people don’t talk about them and it can be hard to get the sympathy you deserve at the time. From what I’ve heard, it’s no less of a loss than losing a baby. But there is no funeral or formal grieving so it can be quite isolating and more difficult to deal with, I would think. Hugs to you and your family and I hope you are blessed with a new baby soon. I hope you are not blaming yourself. It’s hard in situations where you can’t control anything to put the blame on yourself. God is a loving God and would not punish you in this way. At least that’s how I believe.

    Wishing you more blessings,
    Krista

  14. Dana says

    I’m sorry you feel sad. I’m sorry you have been through so much. I am sure it was/is hard. I will keep you in my prayers.

  15. Tamara B. says

    I saw you post on your Facebook and left you a message. Please……….. don’t beat yourself up over this! It will happpen just give it time 🙂 You are a very special person with alot to give and you will be rewarded 🙂

  17. JaKell M says

    Thinking about you all the time and have kept you in my prayers. My heart breaks for you and all your sadness. Wish I could give you a big hug. Stay strong.

  18. Penelope says

    Oh Kim, (((HUGS))) You are a great mama, and will be a great mama to another too 🙂

    I am there with you…I’ve been trying to get pregnant, haven’t succeeded yet.

    If I find that magical water, I’ll share it with you 🙂

  19. Jennifer S says

    I am so sorry. I can only imagine how hard it is to try for so long and not get the results you wanted.

  22. Allison says

    I am so sorry for your loss(es). Your story of your almost loss with your daughter was scary and amazing. I hope you get another miracle in your life!

  23. Eileen says

    All I can say is that I am so sorry you are hurting. Your plea to God made my heart hurt. I hope all your dreams and blessings come true!
    I am a very lucky (old) mom. And you being a mom already, you know it is a privilege and honor. By next Mother’s Day I hope and pray you will have a tiny one in your arms to smooch and hold onto for dear life. I come from a large family and had a large family. I have a baby brother who was not able to be a father and it hurts me so deeply…he would have literally been a “father of the year” type and is now 43, feeling very much like he missed something magical and amazing. i am so sorry for all those out there who are hurting like this.

  25. Brandy says

    HUGS Kim. Hang in there. I have seen this happen with an old friend of mine and just when she was content with the idea of not having another child after having two (well three with one only living two weeks) she conceived again…. It will happen in time. Big hugs, hang in there!! You are beautiful and amazing.

    • Kim says

      So sorry to hear about your friend 🙁 So sad! But happy to hear that she was able to conceive again..Thanks for your words of encouragement, I really appreciate that!! HUGS.

  27. Jammie says

    (((hugs))) I some what know how you feel. I stopped taking birth control pills 2.5 years ago, I have only had 4 periods since then… I to have been trying just as long, but without a period I do not think it is possible… I know you are a smaller girl, have you thought about trying to gain a little weight, I was reading that miscarriages are common for skinner females. Maybe if you was to gain a little weight it would help better protect the baby. It is something to research, and a starting point. Best of luck to you hun.

    • Kim says

      I am fine in the weight department, LOL, trust me 🙁 I am about 135. I am doing everything to make this work, temping, eating right, OPK’s, charting, taking FertilAid. but, I do only have one tube too, one was taken when I was pregnant with my daughter), so I am thinking that has a lot to do with it now, sigh.. that and age 🙁 Thanks for your comments and advice!!! Hugs to you too and here is hoping you get your BFP SOON too!!!

  28. Monica says

    I just wanted to say I hope you feel better soon. I’m sad too right now but I don’t know why because I have 2 beautiful boys, 3 yrs old and 7 months old. I’m also 36 and I’ve had several miscarriages as well. One only a couple months before my oldest son was conceived. I also have pcos which can make it hard to conceive. I think part of my problem is now that I’m 36 I feel like maybe I won’t be able to have another one in time or that I should be happy with what I have and not want more.. but I can’t help it, it’s such an incredible experience that I want to do it again..and if I could I’d do it 4 more times! Unfortunately I started too late for that and only time will tell if it will happen once more. I wish you the best of luck ttc! and thank you for sharing your experience. It’s always nice to know you are not alone.

    • Kim says

      Thank you sweetie. I am sorry for your losses too! Even though I have two beautiful, healthy little loves, it does not stop that ache in my heart and soul for one more.. Time will tell. I am 36 too, so I feel like my clock is just about done tickin too! HUGS to you and praying we can both get that little bundle of joy in our tummies and then arms SOON!!!!!!
      xoxo

  29. Jill L says

    I’m so sorry. I know that heartache too well. We had many years of heartache with 2 miscarriages and our baby dying……just said a prayer for you.

    • Kim says

      I am so sorry for your losses too sweet mama. Many hugs and prayers to you as well. Thank you sweetie.

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