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I Lost The Baby…

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Just wanted to let you all know that I lost the baby. Well, technically it has not been “lost” yet, just waiting to see if it does it on its own, or like the other two miscarriages I had, will have to go in for a d & c. The doctors think that I will have to have the d & c, only because they have been monitoring me for the past three weeks… Anyways, so that is what is going on.

Now I want to bitch about life and miscarriages and loss..

I thought that since I had already gone through 2 miscarriages, that this one would certainly be easier, right? Hell no. It is NEVER easy. EVER. If you have ever been through a miscarriage, YOU KNOW what I mean. I tried to take a nap when I got home from the doctor, and I kept waking up realizing, I am carrying a dead baby, waiting for it to be taken out of my body. My heart kept dropping as did my stomach. Then I would fall back asleep again only to wake up to the SAME feelings. Shit, I am depressed. Yep, this one is getting to me too. Yep, I feel this loss just as bad as the others…

Hubby is DONE. He wants NOTHING to do with trying again, EVER. I don’t blame him. Is that what I want? I am not sure. But I do know I can’t take THIS again… I just can’t. I am not young anymore. I am 36 years old, so time is certainly not on my side for baby making. Also, a fallopian tube was taken from me, yes, taken from me from a surgeon who said it WAS NOT necessary. That is another story and you can read that if you want to… So, age, and only one tube, I would say my chances of conceiving again are pretty SLIM. This pregnancy was a miracle. It took us 16 months of charting, temping, taking FertilAid AND using ovulation kits, to try and conceive this one. We actually took that month off and it happened… Then it died… Thanks God….

Am I bitter? Yep. Will I always be? Probably not, but right now don’t tell me things will be better. Don’t tell me to be happy for what I already have ( I will PUNCH you OUT, like I am not happy for my little kids…), don’t tell me it was not meant to be, AGAIN, don’t tell me God has other plans, Don’t tell me God does not give you more then you can handle….. The list goes on and YES, I have heard them ALL.

I hate that I am STILL feeling sick, morning sickness, I hate that my boobs are huge and hurt like hell…

And, you know all those tests that the doctors give you that usually ensure a healthy, viable pregnancy? You know, like the hcg number thing? Or that if you have good signs of morning sickness, you are good to go? NOT with ME. I have all those. My hcg numbers were AWESOME. The nurse even called me back to tell me this…

The baby just never grew. The sack did, just not the little fetal pole that floated motionless in my uterus. No h/b. As the three weeks went by and the nurses telling me that they see this ALL the time, I will be okay, with every u/s, always seeing the same thing. Just the sack.. no h/b… Whatever…

Of COURSE I had to see 753403458034583 pregnant women on my way to the upstairs office of the hospital, so that was real nice.

Anyways, I am not like this, so negative, but right now I feel like shit and I just don’t really care. I do want to thank everyone for their SWEET comments (thank you everyone for saying the RIGHT things!!) and I love you all. Reading through those comments had me BAWLING. It means so much to me, it really does..

I am going to hug my babies close and cry myself to sleep for the next few nights.

To some, this whole post might seem so dumb or some may say “why is she so upset over a MISCARRIAGE??” but, until you experience one you will NEVER know. I already loved this baby and planned on him/her. I even thought of names and bought some things. So ya, you don’t know unless you have been there and I hope if you have not, you NEVER do.

Thanks for listening

Kim

Comments

  1. that was so touching, i am so sorry and i pray for the little one! god bless

  3. I can actually say on this one – I know what you were going through when you wrote this. I had a lot of these same feelings and remembering it still hurts. We’re trying to conceive baby #2 but I really don’t know if I can handle another miscarriage and it terrifies me that my odds have increased to have another one.

  4. Oh my goodness. This is almost too much to bear, I would think. I cannot imagine the depth of your loss. It’s never “just a miscarriage.” This is your child! The child you dreamed of–had plans and so much love for. It just seems wrong that there aren’t funerals and burials for miscarriages. I am so sorry you and your family have been going through this.

  5. Dear Kim
    Sorry about your loss. I do not think it ever gets easier and people make such stupid comments. I lost our first baby and then waited 18 months to fall pregnantagain.We had already gone through the whole adoption process when I found out I was six weeks pregnant. Then I grieved all over for the adopted baby that I would “lose”. Isn’t life strange sometimes. I hope that it is getting easier for you Just take it one day at a time.

  6. i just read this and it made me really sad. I am pregnant my first time and now I’m scared! Im so sorry for your loss, but just think you have 2 beautiful children!:)

  7. I’m so very sorry for your loss. No one understands unless they have been there. And people say the wrong things because they don’t know what to say. “I’m sorry” is better than non-sense. Hugs to you and your family.

  10. p.s. No this post IS NOT dumb. You have every right to feel the way you do! Cry all you need to and take the time you need. I agree unless they have been through it before, they won’t understand. And you have been through it hard and with more hurtles than most of us can imagine. My friend has gone through 3(one was a set of triplets) and still has been unable to carry a baby past 18 weeks. My heart breaks for you and those who have had to endure it over and over, you are amazing women.

    I thought the same thing with my last miscarriage at 9 1/2 weeks.. that others thought I was crazy for being emotional & upset over “Just a miscarriage” we bonded the same way with our baby. Names picked out, thoughts and plans for the future, kids hugged and kissed my belly each day over and over and talked to the baby. It was real, it is not “Just a miscarriage” but a real Baby.. your baby. Your life, your family. I don’t care the stage or weeks it is. Its the same to me as someone who loses a baby after the said miscarriage stage and gets noticed as its a big deal. It me it all is a big deal. Don’t let anyone ever tell you any different!

    • I am so sorry for your friends loss too 🙁 So sad 🙁 Thanks so much for your sweet words Mama!!!

  12. I am so sorry to read this news, brings me back 5 months ago when I had to endure the same trial. My heart breaks for you. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Let me know if you ever need to talk *HUGs*

    • Oh Jakell, I am so sorry for your recent loss too 🙁 It is so hard to have to deal with and go through! Hugs to you and thank you again so much for my necklace!!!!! I love it! And congrats on your pregnancy again!!!!!

  13. I am so sorry. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. You are right, it never easy. (hugs)

  14. You will never hear from me that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. You cry all you want.

  15. DITTO Kim, big hug sent your way. I am so so sorry to hear of your loss.

    I will pray for your baby and your family and YOU!

    Donna

  17. (((KIM))) I wish I could be right there with you to hug you. I’m sure both of you are feeling so defeated right now, angry, sad and a million other emotions. Just know you have a lot of people here right now that love you and want to help you anyway we can. Just say the word.

    • Thank you Cat! We do feel really defeated and it has been really depressing for me this time around 🙁 Just don’t know why it keeps happening, but hopefully I will get some answers soon.

  18. Wow. I am in tears, and GOOD tears. I came to my blog and I see all these wonderful comments from my friends. THANK YOU. I needed this SOOOOOOOOOO much today. I love you all.

  19. So sad…I am sorry. Been there….and i still think about the baby that wasn’t. (and it happened a couple of years ago…!) Hang in there lady. My thoughts go out to you.

  20. Sorry to hear of your loss & no your post was NOT dumb. You needed to let it out. I understand as I too have had a miscarriage – before I had my second daughter. I did not think I could get pregnant again either. I was 40 when I had my 2nd daughter – so you are not too old. It took almost 5 years to have her. I just thought I was too old. Give lots of hugs & kisses to those kids of yours – they are your best medicine. That’s what I did with my older daughter and it does make you feel better.

    • Sorry for your loss 🙁 I have been hugging my kids like crazy lately! Thanks so much for your sweet words!

  21. Kim, my heart goes out to you. It’s never easy having a MC no matter if it’s your first or your third or more.

    I had 3 miscarriages between the ages of 40-41. I told my hubby that we would try one last time and if it didn’t happen then we were done. I read somewhere a baby aspirin a day will help to keep the baby implanted. After my third MC, I started taking a baby aspirin a day. I took them until I was 3 months along. I honestly believe that is what helped me through my last and final pregnancy. I was 42 when I had her.

    Hang in there and know that there are many people out there sending you virtual hugs and lots of prayers.

    (((HUGS))) Marci

    • So sorry for your losses hun 🙁 I heard about the baby aspirin too, and I am asking my doctor about it when I go in to see her this Thursday.

  22. I am so sorry. I had three before finally having my child. It does stink. And I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this.

    You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers!

  23. I am so sad for you, Kimmers. I have not had a miscarriage and so I can’t relate to the pain and devastation you are feeling over your loss, but I love you very much and I am so sad for you. I wish I could make it better.

  24. Oh Kim. I am so sorry that you are going through this, again. Don’t ever feel like this post {or others} is dumb. It’s not. This is your way of expressing your feelings and emotions…and we are here to listen. I hope things start looking up. You are in my thoughts Kim.

    Sincerely, Rebecca

  27. I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine the pain you are going through right now.

    So sorry 🙁

  28. I can’t imagine the pain one feels with a miscarriage. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I both are unable to have children. Sometimes I am saddened by this, but I think it’d be much harder if I had to go through what you are. Vent and scream all you need to, because it’s what you need to do at this time. Don’t tell yourself it’s wrong to feel the way you do, because it’s not.

  30. I am so sorry for your loss. I also know how it feels. I miscarried at 10 weeks before i had my daughter and we are starting to try now and I miscarried at 7 weeks. I know how it feels to name the baby and start planning on it. I hope it gets better for you! Eat lots of Ice cream and curl up on the couch and watch a chick flick 🙂

    • Thanks hun. I am so sorry to hear of your losses too 🙁 I did eat lots of ice cream 🙂 HUGE hugs to you!!

  31. While I will not say “I know how you feel” I will say I am so sorry for your loss. And you’re right not to want to hear all the nonsense people try to say because there is nothing to be done.

    All we can do is hope to find a way through it, and that the light does appear at the end of the dark, miserable tunnel.

    Hugs all around you.

  34. I unfortunately, understand every word you wrote

    Sending you tons o cyber hugs

    I am sorry for the loss of your child

  35. I am so sorry. I’ve been there, too. I lost one at 12 weeks and one at 6 weeks. And even though I do have children, I still wonder about the ones I lost. No words can make it better. You have every right to be angry and bitter. Sending love and hugs your way.

  37. I echo Sensitive Sensualist. Never having conceived or borne a child, I mourn for you and me and all the babies that never made it into the world. I am so sorry for your losses and hope all our virtual tears flowing for you help you get through this just a bit.

  38. I am so sorry to read this! (((Hugs))) I know how excited you were. and No, this is not a dumb post! You have every right to vent and cry. I went through this myself over 5 times, and it was never easy. I will keep in my thoughts close to my heart. if you need an ear to vent to, I am here.
    Healing hugs ~

    • Thank you Faythe! I am sooo sorry for your losses too, it is just so painful and unfair. Big HUGS to you!

  40. I am so sorry. I have been through a miscarriage and it is so devastating. It doesn’t matter how many other children you have – you lost THIS baby. It’s heartbreaking and there’s no other way to say it. I’m so sorry. Sending many hugs & thoughts & prayers your way.
    (((HUGS)))

  42. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I went in to meet with the perinatologist (previous preterm labor/birth) for my first trimester screening at 12 weeks and found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat (there was one at 8 weeks). This was my first miscarriage and I can’t even imagine the pain that you’re feeling right now. Big hugs and hopefully 2011 will bring good things for us both!

    • That is how my first one was too 🙁 I am so sorry for your pain and loss too. It is so unfair sometimes.

  43. I’m really sorry about this… *HUG* I don’t reallly have a lot to say, but I feel for you and you are loved.

  44. I’m sorry to hear the sad news. I’ve been through it once & it was so hard, I can only imagine how you feel. Life just isn’t fair sometimes. Take care of yourself.

  45. I’m so sorry. I was never able to conceive myself, yet I mourned for the children I knew I’d never have. I know I’ll never reach a point in my life when I won’t mourn for them. It has been so hard to face the fact that I will never have children. And I’ll never know the joy of grandchildren. So if I’m this heartbroken over a child who never existed, I can only imagine how it feels to actually conceive one and then lose it — let alone three times. I hate it when people tell you that you shouldn’t feel a certain way and want you to just “get over it.” Everyone needs time to process their losses, in whichever way they can find a way to cope with it. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself — including finding sympathetic ears to listen to your pain.

    • HUGE hugs to you too, hun 🙁 Thank you for sharing your story and for your kind words.

  46. Im sorry to hear you are going through this, I understand how you feel I have had a miscarriag myself. Some people dont realize it does hurt!! Not just the pain of having the miscarriage but the pain of knowing what you got all psyched up about this new baby to find out it isnt coming. I still remember my due date from my miscarriage and it was 10 years ago. You always wonder what might have been or who they may have grown up to be. Stay strong!!

    • Yes, you do always wonder who that little one would look like and what his/her personality would be.. thanks for the sweet comments

  49. I just want to send you a big hug. This post is not dumb and of course you feel bad.

    That’s all. Just a hug but I hope it helps in some small way.

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