This Is Why I Will Never Be Your BFF
When I was much younger, I was really social and I worked outside my home. I worked full time and I worked ALL the overtime I was offered. If I wasn’t busy with work or something else, I would not be happy.
After having kids, things changed a bit. With my oldest, after I had him, I still worked full time (or as close to full time as I could). My mother-in-law would watch my boy and I would go off to work after dropping him at her home.
By the time I got pregnant with my daughter (2nd child), I was still working, but not as much as I did with my first. I think I quite work by the time I was around 34 weeks (maybe earlier???) pregnant. I nested and got ready for my second child!
After I had my daughter, we had just moved and I was alone a lot with the two kids under two! My oldest had just turned two and my daughter was around 2 months, so things were busy! But, we stayed home most of the time and just played together! I did go back to work for a tiny bit after having my daughter, but I quickly realized I did not want to do that anymore. I wanted to be with my kids.
I did have friends, but they were far away. And, every time anyone would ever start to like me and want to hang out with me, I would stop talking to them and push myself away quickly. I am easy to get to know, but hard to be a long time friend too.
Why? Because I am SO worried that the person who friended me, will not really like me anymore after they get to know me more. I am afraid of people rejecting me. I am afraid of saying too much to someone and then they decide they don’t want to hang out with me anymore. There are a LOT of reasons why I pull away. I am just good at it.
I realized that I do have a problem and it is a hard problem to fix! I try hard to get to know people, but I have to really really really click with someone before I will open up completely and hang out with you indefinitely. Otherwise, I will close up and stay away. It doesn’t have anything to do with the person, but EVERYTHING to do with ME.
I used to be outgoing and love doing things, but now, I enjoy being HOME with my kids. I like having time to myself (I am an introvert after all) and I like having no obligations outside of my home. There, I said it.
Is It Anxiety?
Hell yes, it is. It is that horrible horrible thing called ANXIETY. I have probably tried every medication under the sun for this stupid issue I have and at first, those meds help, but then after taking them for a while, they stop working and I am back to freaking out for ridiculous things. I get anxiety over a lot of things that would be dumb to other people.
If I am invited out somewhere, I will think about it so much that I will be sick with anxiety. I will find any way to get out of it and not do it. Is it because I hate that person? Is it because I am a bitch and don’t like people? NO. I swear I like that person, but I am crippled when it comes to anxiety. It cripples me and makes me unable to do normal things. I swear I don’t hate everyone. It is just ME. It is who I am.
I was reluctant to blog about this only because I want people to think I am STRONG. I want others to not know my dirty little secret and judge me because just thinking about THAT, gives me an insane amount of anxiety!
Do I want you to rescue me?
No no no!! That will only give me MORE anxiety and I will hide more! I have to work this out myself. I have been trying for years now. Is it because I am depressed? NO! I have no feelings of depression at all. I only have the crippling feelings of anxiety.
What Can You Do For Me?
Nothing, please nothing! I do not want sympathy. I do not want to be treated differently. I do not want to be asked how I am doing (unless of course you just ask out of the blue, not after you read this!). I want to be someone you know, someone you can talk to, but I don’t want to be singled out.
This Is Why I Will Never Be Your BFF
I swear I am a GOOD friend. I have a giving heart and I love like it is no one’s business. BUT, I also live with anxiety and unless you have it too, you will NEVER understand what I am going through. It is okay to not understand and it is okay that you have no clue what someone goes through when they have anxiety attacks. Just don’t forget about me.
I promise I don’t hate you, it is my anxiety. And, This Is Why I Will Never Be Your BFF.