Do you have secrets? Things that most people you know in real life have no clue about? I certainly do. I guess it is only human to have them, right?
I did not really want to talk about what I am about to type, but if it can help someone in need, then that is WHY I am talking about it now.
I have been on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication since I was 16 years old. Why? because when I was younger, I tried to commit suicide three times. Two of those times I spent some time in the hospital.
I absolutely HATE talking about my weaknesses and I hate knowing other will now know. But, as I said above, if my talking about it helps just one person, then I will do it.
My kids have NO clue about this and someday they will know, but they are not at an age where I feel they need to know about this. I am not proud of it, but it certainly made me a stronger person.
In those times, they were SO dark and sooooo soooo lonely. I felt I had absolutely NO one there for me, to listen to me and help me. I know I did when I look back now, but in those moments, I was alone.
The feelings of despair and loneliness were so horrible. I remember that feeling vividly and it still scares the crap out of me. I am out of that darkness now and have been for quite some time, but I still can remember it!
Many people think that when someone tries to commit suicide that they are doing it because they are being selfish. I beg to differ. That is NOT at all what we are thinking! The last thing we would think of would be being selfish! People attempt suicide (or are successful in it) because they feel they have no other way out. They are DESPERATE. They feel they are a burden on their family and friends and they just want to disappear. Trust me when I say it is NOT being they are being selfish!!
When I was feeling so sad and depressed (and suicidal), I did not reach out for help. I did not want to! I was humiliated, SO humiliated with how I was feeling and I certainly did not want to talk about it! No freaking way.
I remember my mom (bless her heart), had me go to a counselor. It happened to be an LDS (Latter Day Saints, Mormon), counselor. I hated it SO much. I didn’t know what to say and I thought I had to say what the Mormon counselor wanted to hear.
I felt like I had to talk about church and going to the temple, so I did. BTW, my family is Mormon and I grew up Mormon though I don’t go to church anymore. I have NOTHING against Mormon’s at all, but that was a wrong move on my mom’s part to send me to a Mormon counselor because I should have been sent to a non-denomination counselor.
However, going to a counselor at all during that time was so painful and I was just so humiliated! Being forced to talk about my feelings? It made me feel like I was standing in a room, naked! I felt SO damn vulnerable and I HATED that feeling!!!!!
When you are going through depression and having thoughts of suicide, you don’t want to talk, or at least I did not want to. I certainly can’t speak for every depressed/suicidal person, but that was how I felt. And, if I did want to talk to someone? There just wasn’t any help. People think ‘oh, just call the suicide hotline’ or ‘go to the doctors they will help you‘. That is not how it works. Help is HARD to find and that makes me so sad 🙁
So, I have tried to get off of my medication and I did for 6 whole months. However, in those 6 medication-free months I could FEEL. I could CRY. I was sad a lot, and I cried myself to sleep (thinking about my kids growing up too fast…sigh) and I HATED feeling. I hated crying. I just hated it all!!
So, I ended up getting back on medication. I am taking Zoloft at a low dosage and that is my crutch. Of course, I still feel emotions, but I am centered again. I am okay. One thing I have yet to EVER get completely under control is my horrible anxiety. I can fix everything though, right? So, for now, I am good.
I haven’t had depression since I was in my teens, thank heavens! But that dang anxiety sure likes to hang over my head and drive me bonkers! Ugh.
I am completely happy with my life now and so happy to have healthy kids and a loving husband! I am so thankful for my friends and family who have been there in my darkest times (even though at the time I did not see it).
If you are sad, depressed or whatever, I am here for YOU. You ARE important and you CAN message/email me ANYTIME if you need someone to chat with or just listen to you breathe on the phone (no, not that kind of breathing! LOL..) or just to ‘be there‘.
My email if you ever want to talk: [email protected]
Kim Delatorre says
Thank you SO much <3
Maryann D. says
Thank you for taking the time to write this and for being there to help others.
Kim Delatorre says
You have NO reason to feel ashamed or humiliated! You didn’t ask to be depressed and it’s not a moral failure on your part. I am impressed by the strength and courage it took for you to make it through and to share your struggles with us. Know that you are appreciated and cherished, even out here on the internet!
ellen beck says
*hug* Kim. This was a very brave post. One of my nieces was almost successful last summer. I myself have been through alot . It does fll like you are alone.
I am so glad to hear you’re in a relatively good place now. And yes, anxiety is a monkey on lots of peoples backs that is for sure.
Kim Delatorre says
Hugs to you too! <3