You just never know what tomorrow may bring, you just don’t. And no matter how much you THINK you know someone, you DON’T. I was pregnant the same time she was. She was absolutely GORGEOUS. She had many many many friends who loved her, thought she was amazing. But, little did I know, this was the last time I would see her. The Next Time I Saw Her, Was In Her Casket…
She was funny, she loved to laugh and she had MY sense of humor. We easily got along and then some. She was my friend. We had not talked much, a bit went by, she moved and we lost phone numbers. We actually got in contact again, because my hubby was selling something on Craigslist and her hubby wanted it. So he called and viola! We were in touch again! Yay! I was sooo excited!
The last time I saw her, they came over to get that car part they saw on Craigslist. She was big and pregnant, as was I. She was so bubbly and happy when I saw her. She had just married the love of her life, and they were happy. She was 6+ months pregnant with their first, it was a boy! She could not stop talking about their baby and how much she loved him already.
After about 1.5 hours, they had to leave. I was sad to see them go, but now I knew where they lived (soooo close, yay!) and their numbers. We hugged and I rubbed her tummy. She said “Goodbye Kimmie! I love you!” And that was the last time I saw her. Heard her sweet, tiny voice. Then they were gone…
The Next Time I Saw Her, Was In Her Casket…
Never in a million years would I think the next time I saw my dear friend, she would be in a casket. Never did I ever think I would be the one doing her funeral flowers. Her casket spray. Never did I think I would be cutting a single red rose and placing it in her cold hands… Never…
I got “the” call one morning, from another dear friend, telling me that Lydia had committed suicide the night before. I could NOT believe this. I could not comprehend how a mommy could do this and leave a sweet, tiny baby boy that she was so excited to have. I was lost.
Many said she always suffered from depression and has tried to take her life before, I already knew that. But I did not think she was still so sad and depressed. I KNOW it could have also been postpartum depression, as I had it with my first for about a week or two. But really, I don’t know. I know what they told me though, leading up to the suicide, but I will not tell that here.
The Next Time I Saw Her, Was In Her Casket…
At her funeral, came early with my dear friend Lisa. we came together because I knew I could not do it alone. I asked that the casket be closed because I could not look, I just couldn’t… But, it was left open… I remember walking in and seeing her from the corner of my eyes.
But I did not look. I prepared her easels of flowers next to her casket. I then carefully placed her casket spray on her casket. She was RIGHT there… RIGHT there…So, I looked. I saw her beautiful face, her gorgeous hair and full lips. I cried.
I was sad, angry and wanted answers I knew I would NEVER EVER EVER get. Suicide is sooooo unfair. So many answers are left UNANSWERED. You don’t dare ask for those answers, that is NOT appropriate. So, you sit there with NO answers. NONE. And, that is what completely haunts me.
A week later, I was invited to her home. I was given MANY of her clothes and oh she had MANY. Shoes, coats, shirts, pants, dresses, skirts, Hats (oh how she LOVED hats!) and more. I did not know what to do with them.
I took them, but did not want them. I would feel soooo weird wearing them, and could not bring myself to, no matter how adorable they were. So I donated most of them and kept the things that reminded me of her or I saw her wear before, and that was that.
But, I kept thinking, when I was in HER home, I was in THE room where it happened. I was freaked out, sad, emotional and just plain beside myself. I DID NOT understand… UNANSWERED questions, UGH.
I feel so much for her sweet hubby and little tiny baby boy. I pray for them daily still, and though I don’t stay in touch with them anymore, they are constantly on my mind.
I dream of Lydia VERY often and think of her all the time. I miss her. I miss her sense of humor, the way she dressed, her hats, her voice, her love for children and man she knew how to party!!! I MISS her. I had NO clue The Next Time I Saw Her, Was In Her Casket… How unfair 🙁 How TRAGIC 🙁
Here is the one year anniversary of her death, a post I did for her…
So, just remember, that every day is not guaranteed to us. Always love as much as you can, hug as much as you can and NEVER leave someone in a bad mood. You NEVER know, you just don’t.
PLEASE, if you are having thoughts about suicide, there IS help! Even if you think there is not, there is!! Someone loves you, someone NEEDS you!! Click HERE for help!!!
Dee @ Cocktails with Mom says
So very sorry for your loss. Hugs.
kathy pease says
I understand the torment of the unanswered questions .My 18 year old daughter ashley took her own life valentines day 2004.Im not sure if you can ever recover from the sadness and heartbreak. Sending you my hugs and prayers
http://mikepease.tripod.com/
hairstyles for girls says
Oh gosh, how sad. I’m sorry for your loss.
Cindi @ Frugal New England Kitchen says
So sorry for the loss of your friend, take solace in the good times and memories together
Connie says
Hugs, hon. I understand the darkness some times but I know there’s light to come…I hope that in sharing her story others are saved.
Thank you and thinking of you and your friend’s family.
HilLesha says
Awwwww……. I’m so so sorry for your loss. ~BIG HUGS~
Anne - Mommy Has to Work says
I’m so sorry…
April Decheine says
So sad.. I was in a car accident my sophomore year and my best friend died, it turned my life upside down at the age of 16, it took years of counseling etc to be able to feel comfortable in a car and not afraid..
Kim says
So sad 🙁 Hugs to you.
Crystal @ Simply Being Mommy says
I’m so sorry, Kim {{hugs}}!
Penelope says
I’m so sorry…she left a good life behind, it’s too bad she didn’t win her war against depression to realize it. So sad 🙁
Kimbuckjr says
Gosh, there is so much I want to write, but I don’t want to sound like a freak (lame), you know? Ugh!
I, too, like your dear friend Lydia suffer from depression. I, too, have attempted several times to take my own life in the past, but the main obstacle that ALWAYS stopped me from following through with the selfish act of suicide was the vision of my daughter’s face. How could I be so cruel to leave my daughter…I couldn’t!!!
A month ago I finally realized that suicide is FINAL! I know it sounds lame to ‘realize’, but honestly…I always thought if I commit suicide it will relieve me from whatever troubles were bugging me at that point in time and then things would be back to normal. Little did I comprehend in my mixed up head that I wouldn’t be around to see ‘normal.’ I’ve known too many people who have decided to take their own lives, but I often wonder do they really know that suicide is FINAL!
My husband found me unresponsive in bed a month ago and it was determined that I was in a diabetic coma (my blood sugar was LOW, I’m a Type I diabetic, have been for 26 years). For 24 hours I was in a hospital emergency room unconscious with doctor’s thinking I was brain dead or at least a vegetable because they could not wake me for those 24 hours.
The following 24 hours I cried uncontrollably thinking about how “I” almost lost my family!
The feelings I experienced are very, very, very, very hard to put into words, but know that I am working on my depression issues and to date I would rather LIVE than take my own life.
I feel for you and totally understand what it’s like to lose a VERY close and dear friend. 3 years ago I lost a childhood friend to Type I diabetes and I still have anxiety over her death.
Just be thankful for the time you spent with Lydia, as I’m sure you do, and now she is your Guardian Angel ALWAYS watching you from Heaven!
Take care of yourself and God Bless you! You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Hugs – Kim
Kim says
Thank you hon. HUGS to you too!!! <3
1stopmom says
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend *hugs*
ewhatley says
What a sad story – it always is. And all the unanswered questions. But fortunately you had reconnected with her, if only briefly.
I’ve experienced that twice in the past 2 years. You never know when tragedy will strike. And no matter what face people show to others, you can never truly know what is in someone’s heart or mind unless they show you.
Mandi says
I don’t even know what to say. The word sorry just doesn’t seem enough. So sad. Thanks for sharing her story. And I will remember to keep my friends so very close!
Kelly says
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. She sounds like a great woman and obviously left so much behind. ((Hugs))
Sonja Carlson says
Thank you for sharing Kim and my heart and thoughts go out to you and those who still struggle with the loss of your dear friend. I shared your post on my Fb wall and hope that everyone will take the time to read it because the message of your post is so relevant and timely to each and every one of us.
Vickie Couturier says
Thank you for posting this,,,you have helped me more than you will ever know,,having depression myself,its a nasty disease an doesnt always let you think things through straight
Kim says
You are welcome vickie. HUGS! You can reach out to me ANYTIME: [email protected] <3
charline says
Sending you hugs and prayers
Tricia @Nightowlmama says
Hugs and Prayers that her family and you as well feel some form of comfort when you think about the fun times that you shared. The pain will never go away but hopefully the fond memories of her will make it easier to a bare
Nolie says
Very sad. We live a life where we never say good-bye. We say see you later. It is a weird superstition in our lifestyle. However it is true. You need to always be thankful for today as you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I had a friend pass away 4 years ago. To this day I do not know if it was suicide or if it was her health. We did not know what was wrong with her as doctors could not figure it out. We do know that she had tried to commit suicide before. I do not know the answer but I do know that she is finally at peace and that is what I hold on to.
Sending lots of hugs your way.
amy rouse says
very sad. I lost a good friend to suicide just last summer. It left behind a lot of very sad friends and unanswered questions. Such a loss
Marcie W. says
Although I am lucky enough to have never had to deal with a suicide of someone close to me, I did get my brother stolen from my soul due to a drunk driver in 2006. He was 20.
You’re right, you NEVER know. EVER.
I too know the pain and agony of missing someone so much and never being able to say a real goodbye and tell them what they mean to you until it’s too late. I hate to say, your heart never truly heals, you only wonder where they’d be in life or what’d they be doing.
HUGS, because all of us left behind need them.
Trooppetrie says
it is so hard to lose a friend. praying for comfort for you
tamathamc says
we lost a lovely 20 girl that was like a niece to us in a car wreck a couple months back, so many dreams & plans left undone, it is true that you never know.