*10 Things Not to Say to Someone Trying to Conceive. This is a guest post written by Kelly.
Like Kim, I suffered a miscarriage in December. I was extremely upset about the abrupt end of my pregnancy but gained new determination in my quest to conceive again. I have a type A personality and have this innate drive to plan things. I don’t like to leave things up in the air but come up with a game plan. There are things you can and should say to women trying to conceive and there are plenty of things you should NOT say to them too.
This served me well in deciding when to start trying for my now 2.5-year-old daughter and again the pregnancy I miscarried. Miscarrying was a shock in itself but not getting pregnant again right away after seven months of trying came as almost an equal shock. You can do everything you know how to do to get pregnant and your body can still betray you. Fertility products may help you, but you never know for sure.
In my struggles to conceive again, I’ve gotten lots of support and advice. Most of it comes from a good place but some of it has been so misguided, insensitive, and off base. Here’s my list of the top 10 Things Not to Say to Someone Trying to Conceive.
10 Things Not to Say to Someone Trying to Conceive
“Don’t worry, it’ll happen eventually.”
“You’re still so young.”
“Why be greedy? Can’t you just be happy with the child(ren) you already have?”
“Things will happen in their own time.” Or the variation, “things will happen when you least expect it.”
“Maybe it’s just not meant to be.” Really?
“Relax. You’re just trying too hard. Stop trying and it’ll happen.”
“Have you thought about adopting?”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”
“Maybe you’re not doing it right, maybe you’re trying too hard or not trying hard enough. Maybe you should look into acupuncture, specialists, herbs, tests, treatments, etc.”
What You Could Say:
A better comment if you don’t know what to say or are unsure of how your comment might be perceived by the person who’s having a hard time getting pregnant, try saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this“. I’m here for you if you need to talk.” Conveying support and sympathy can mean the world to someone that’s fighting with their whole self to create a new life.
Kelly is an Austin blogger and stay-at-home mom to a preemie (now toddler). She writes on her blog, Texas Type A Mom, about family, food, reviews, and trying to live a green life in Texas.
Kerri M says
I’d like to make this into a T-Shirt and wear it superman style under my clothes. Thanks for posting this.
Rachel R. says
I’ve gotten the “You’re still young, you have plenty of time” comment from people who don’t know me as well and it’s so annoying! I actually look about 10 years younger than I really am, so I actually don’t have as much time as many people seem to think (not that I’m pushing menopause or anything, but you know what I mean).
Rebel Chick Jenn says
I think it’s just one of those things – you never know the right thing to say, so you just flounder!
Amy McCarty says
I can really relate to this post as I recently found out I have PCOS and will struggle to become pregnant again. It really upsets and depresses me to hear people say stupid comments like the ones you listed. I wish you the best.
Adriana says
I try not to give my honest opinion, therefore, I digress!
Barbara Platt says
I lost a baby to a fallopian tube pregnancy which ruptured and it ended in a hysterectomy. Thank God, I had 2 kids or I would have been more devastated.
Shaunda Eppes says
I too am trying to conceive our third child. We had a miscarriage in 2008 and since then I have had test after test with still no answer. I have heard all these things and have had to hold my tongue. No one knows how frustrating it is that your body won’t do what it’s supposed to do.
Kim says
HUGS hon. It is sooooo frusterating and heart breaking month after month after month…. I pray you get your BFP result SOON. <3
ronda says
i suffered a very bad miscarriage at 19 weeks…. so i understand loss of a child. I’m sorry for anyone who has to go through that.. it’s very painful
Hannah Gardner says
People always want to toss that adoption one out there. Really, it’s not that simple.
sarah slowik says
when planning my wedding people said a couple of things that made me think , wow how rude. but i am absolutely stunned and horrified by all the things that have been said to friends and family members of mine who are pregnant or trying to conceive. the worst i ever heard was my father in law, who said ‘oh no, i couldn’t imagine them with a baby’ about a couple whom i think will make fantastic parents and have been trying for years.
Donna says
Good post. I think people just talk before they think. But, that does not make their comments any easier to take. I agree w/ you if someone does not know what to say a simple I am sorry you are going through it is better than most other things that they say.
linda brooks says
Those are all good points, it will make me think next time I say something to someone that is trying to conceive.
Yomar Lopez says
Ladies, I want to speak for us men because I know we can be the most insensitive during these kinds of scenarios.. IF we’re ever quiet, it’s not because we don’t care but, rather, we don’t want to say the wrong thing.
Personally, I dislike Hallmark-card responses myself. I feel that, if you’re going to throw a cliche at me during my time of need, you’d better just give me a card instead and save yourself the extra effort.
Excuse my caustic glibness but am I right?
I like your suggestions for a better response. The take-away there is to empathize instead of starting a pity fest. There’s no need to pour salt on open wounds but people do it anyway.
There’s a delicate balance here.. When you’re sad or troubled, you don’t want to be around excessively, possibly falsely uber-chipper people.. but a good friend won’t let you wallow in self-pity, either.
With that in mind, a simple “I am here for you” does work wonders. Perhaps prefaced by, “I can’t say I know what you are going through” or “I can only imagine how it feels”… In my experiences, during those emotional moments, the well-intended “I know exactly how you feel” is not followed by good things.
Well, hope my silly male perspective provided some useful insight.
Great blog you have here, Kim.. And now I’m going to have to check out you Texas Type A Mom too. I welcome you all to check out a site along the same vein as this one, where we discuss those taboo family and work-life issues that most seem to disregard…
Lisa-MyLifeAfterThat says
Great post, I didn’t think any of those were wrong. But I see where you are coming from now. Thanks for this post I will have to remember this when I come to this kind of situation.
sonia garcia says
Aww I’m so sorry. I’m one of the guilty ones. I don’t know what to say…But this is really great advice on what to do. I’m sorry you are going through this.
melanie says
Just take it all with a grain of salt. I have been on all three sides of the fence….
I had my first five kids quite by accident. My husband could get me pregnant just looking at me from across the room.
When we decided to actually plan a baby, I had six miscarriages. No problems getting pregnant, just staying pregnant. I had terrible comments from people. “Why aren’t you happy with the five you have?” etc.
Then we had Kinsley!!!
We decided to TTC once more and on March 1st, I had surgery for a tubal. So we are on the TTC fence again without luck.
My point it, people say these things because they don’t know how to offer support you need and this is what they say. The people who do know what to say, are the ones who have been through it. I am guilty of telling a TTC friend to just quit trying and it will work, long ago. People mean well and it is good advice at times, just not something you want to hear. Doesn’t make it easier. It is what it is.
Kim says
Yes, definitely take it with a grain of salt!!
blueviolet @ A Nut in a Nutshell says
Sometimes I feel like it’s the less said, the better. Just show support without pretending you have any idea what they’re going through. But girl….big hugs!
Kelly says
I totally agree with you, Liz. You don’t know what someones going through unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.